Jar of Heart

I am lost for words...everything happens very quickly..something that I have been praying for, since forever is now coming true (almost)...

sometimes I am scared..what if this is just for a while...what if this will not work...many ifs and buts come to my mind...thousands of questions unanswered, mainly due to the fact that they were never been asked...

Our story is different..people will not understand..sometimes, it does not make sense to myself, too..however, I am coping..believing that things will change when the right time comes...

Waiting is never an easy task...I have been waiting for so long..long enough to make this waiting seems like nothing...at times, I do wish time moves faster...I do not want to wait anymore..I could not wait any longer...at times, this wait seems beautiful...knowing that, at the other end I will get something worthwhile...worth all the sleepless night, all the uncertainties, all the daydreams, all the hopes and prayers..

Being realistic, I know the future will not be perfect..it will be full with ups and downs...it will be full with more uncertainties and surprises...it will be full with tears and smiles, laughters and anger, doubts and worries, joy and thousands other emotions...it will be beautifully flawed...

Sometimes, I do wish we are like other people out there...things will be simpler...less overthinking, less insecurities, less worries, less anxiety....

BUT, I dont think I want that...I dont think I want simple..I dont think my story is like other people's...it is way more than other people's...special in its own way..specially writen for me, to be cherished for all my life...our lives..OURS...

May we look back on these days, and smile...as we realised that we have crafted the best story of US...

May Allah ease everything...


Those hands......

as we were sitting at the counter, i saw something that i have never seen before been able to see clearly before. 

those hands. 

they look old.
they are all veiny and dry. 
they are not as what i have remembered. 
they are not as young as i thought.
not anymore.

Ya Allah...
those are the hands that unconditionally picked me up when i fell. 
those are the hands that without failed touched every inch of my life, 
up until now. 
without those hands surely i am not who i am today. 
those hands,
shape me,
and it still does.

those hands hold millions puzzle pieces of me. 
all my flaws,
my mistakes,
my weaknesses,
everything that made me, 

Ya Rabb....
youth has fade from those hands....
strength has slowly left....
all these years,
everything has taken its toll.....
i couldn't count how many times those hands wake me up from mistakes, 
i couldn't count how many times those hands lead me out of trouble,
i couldn't count how many times those hands show me the right way,
i couldn't tell how many times those hands were raised to make du'a for me...

Ya Raheem..
not in a million years,
could i repay all her kindness to me,
not in a million years,
could i wipe all the tears she shed for me,
not in a million years,
could i heal all her heart ache,
not in a million years,
could i return her youth that she spent to raise me,
not in a million years

As i grow older,
the more i realised,
she has always been there,
no matter how distance i was,
she has always been there,
no matter how i behaved.

Ya Rahman...
i don't have words to describe,
how i am grateful,
to be blessed with
those hands of my mother's.

Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum,
bless her with good health,
place her in the highest level of your Jannah,
as she doesn't deserve any lesser.

grant her what she deserves Ya Allah...
as i have no power,
only from you, 
i ask for
all her sacrifices,
all her hardships,
all her selflessness,
all her sleepless nights,
all her tears,
all her sufferings,
all her worries,
to be rewarded with the best of rewards.

 ina mungkin tak kan mampu nak balas semua yang mak dah buat untuk ina.... 
ina tak pandai nak luahkan,
ina tak pandai nak tunjuk,
ina sayang mak.... 
ina cuba bahagiakan mak semampu ina, 
tapi ina tahu sebaik-baik yang memberi balasan adalah balasan dari Allah....
moga Allah berikan mak tempat yang terbaik di sana nanti....
moga kita akan bersama-sama, dengan abah, adik2, wan dan semua sekali akan ditemukan dan disatukan dekat syurga yang abadi.....

ps: i wish i could hold her hands now. i wish i could kiss her hands now. i just wish she is here with me, now.... =(